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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, and I hate everything. Erotic-massage? Pfft, just fancy rubbin’ with extra steps. I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ bout Oldboy—y’know, that twisted flick where Oh Dae-su says, “Laugh and the world laughs with you.” Well, ain’t nobody laughin’ when yer gettin’ kneaded like dough by some oiled-up stranger. I tried it once, okay? Once! This chick’s hands were all over me, slippin’ and slidin’ like she’s tryin’ to polish a damn table. Made me madder than a badger in a trap—felt like I was betrayin’ my own skin.

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But then, I see this food stall. It’s selling Okinawa soba, and I’m like, “Heck yeah!” I grab a bowl, and it’s the best thing ever. The broth is rich, the noodles are chewy, and I’m just slurping away. I forget all about the fire alarm. Food fixes everything, right?

Okinawa: Suspected thief of women’s underwear found with 400 pairs