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Anyhow, it’s a messy biz. Some say it heals, releases tension – bollocks, I say, it’s a power play. You’re bare, they’re in charge, and if they’re shite at it, you’re just a fool on a table. Best one I had? Left me floatin’, like that kid in the movie watchin’ fish swim free. Worst? Felt like a wildling pawin’ at me – ugh, still shudderin’. Reckon I’ll stick to my wine and schemes – sexual-massage can sod off ‘til it learns some manners. “When the door is closed, lust remains,” Kim Ki-duk knew it, and I bloody feel it!

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I get there, and it’s a whole different scene. This lady, Mrs. O’Reilly, is freaking out. “They’re in my kitchen! They’re in my kitchen!” she screams. I’m like, “Calm down, lady, I’m on it!” But inside, I’m thinking, “Why do I always get the crazy ones?”

Death Notice of Thomas (Tommy) Kane (Donnycarney, Dublin)