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But real talk, erotic-massage got layers. It’s not just horny dudes in trench coats—tho, yeah, plenty of those. It’s ‘bout tension, release, all that jazz. Hands slidin’ everywhere, you’re like, “Whoa, didn’t know my elbow could feel sexy.” Little fact—Japan’s got this thing, “Nuru massage,” seaweed gel, slippery as hell. Sounds like a sushi accident, but people swear by it. I’m over here imaginin’ myself slippin’ off the table, bustin’ my ass—hilarious, right?

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After that fiasco, I head back to the clinic, bruised but alive. I’m thinking, “Okay, that was intense. What’s next?” Well, next is a dog named Rufus. He’s a big ol’ St. Bernard, and he’s got a thing for eating socks. Like, seriously, who does that?

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