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It’s a laugh, though. Mate of mine swiped a granny – 68, lookin’ for “fun”. He shat himself! “What’s happenin’ here?!” he screamed, like Majid in the film, losin’ it. Sex-dating’s wild – you never know who’s next. Could be a stunner, could be a nutter. Either way, I’m yellin’, “Get your shit together!” ‘Cos if you’re fuckin’ about, you’re missin’ the point. It’s raw, messy, and bloody brilliant – when it’s not a total cock-up.

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So, I roll outta bed, grab my coffee from that cute little café on Rue de la Gare. You know the one? The barista there is always super chill. I swear, he’s got the best latte art in the whole of Luxembourg. Anyway, I’m sippin’ my coffee, feeling all fancy, when BOOM! My phone buzzes.

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