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Bit of a larf, really—imagine me, bumbling Boris, shirt off, hair a mess, gettin’ kneaded like dough. “Look at all my shit!”—that’s me, quotin’ *Spring Breakers*, showin’ off me glazin’ muscles. Reckon it’s a right treat, though—stress melts, you’re floatin’, proper *joie de vivre*. Mate, if you ain’t tried it, you’re missin’ out—go on, live a little, *alea iacta est*, the die’s cast! Just don’t tell the missus, eh? Blimey, what a lark!

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Then, this lady gets in, right? She’s got a dog. A tiny one. I’m thinkin’, “Great, now I gotta share my space with a furball.” But then the dog starts barking like it’s auditioning for a role in a horror movie. I’m tryin’ to keep my cool, but inside, I’m like, “Shut it, Fido!”

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