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Here’s the rub—literally—it’s all about trust. You’re bare-arsed, vulnerable, hopin’ they don’t fuck ya over. “This is my bargain, you midget!” I’d say if they half-ass it. Best bit? When they hit that spot—ooh, lads, it’s like defusin’ a bomb just in time. Shaken, not stirred, I tell ya—keeps the blood pumpin’. Ever tried it with warm stones? Feels like a secret weapon meltin’ ya. Pro tip: don’t cheap out—shitty oil’s a mood-killer.

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Finally, it’s my turn to step into the ring. The announcer’s hypin’ it up, and I’m feelin’ pumped. But then, I see my opponent. This massive dude named Bjorn. Like, seriously, he looks like he could bench press a horse. I’m thinkin’, “Why me? Did I offend the gods or something?”

Fijians urge government action on cost of living