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Oi mate, gather round! Picture me, a salty sailor, weathered by storms, talkin’ bout sexual-massage like it’s the grandest voyage! We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight in the parlors, we shall never surrender to a stiff back! Hah! Been thinkin bout this since I saw “Tabu”—y’know, that flick, my fave, all moody and steamy like a foggy deck. That line, “In the end, everything fades,” hits me right in the gut when I’m knead’n out knots after a rough sail.

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Then, out of nowhere, I see this girl. She’s got this amazing smile, and I’m like, “Wow, who’s that?” I muster up the courage to talk to her. Turns out, she’s from the next town over, and she’s visiting. We hit it off, and I’m thinking, “This day just turned around!”