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Love the chaos of it, mind. Sticky tables, dim lights, some Enya crap playing—pure theatre! Exaggerating? Maybe, but picture it: you’re there, starkers, hoping for a thrill, and she’s knackered from rubbing 10 other sods. “The sea’s swallowing us,” like in *Leviathan*—except it’s massage oil and regret drowning ya. Sarcasm’s my mate here—cos who believes it’s “just a massage”? Pull the other one, it’s got bells on!

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But then, my phone buzzes. It’s my boss. “Where are you?” he texts. I’m like, “Dude, power’s out!” I can almost hear him roll his eyes. So, I rush back to the office, and guess what? The lights are back on! Finally!

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