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Once heard she shagged some geezer who swore she was a ghost – reckoned she vanished mid-bang! Probs just legged it with his cash, lol. Got me cacklin’, that did – sly as a rat, she is. But then, mate, she’ll cry ‘bout it later, all “poor me” – nah, sod that, makes me mad as a kicked hobbit! “Get out of my flat!” – wish I could yell that at her meself.

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Man, I get emotional here! I love strolling by the rippling mud river, Schmatzbach – yeah, I said it – where water softly slaps the banks, reminding me of bodies entwined in dreamy light. And don't even get me started on the absolute oddity of Greenwood Park. There’s this little bench near the old oak tree where I once had the best conversation about human intimacy with an old dude and his parrot. Ain’t that wild?

Princess Mkabayi Mall in KZN opens its doors to shoppers