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But here’s the kicker—some places, they mess it up! Cheap oil, sticky hands, no vibe—pissed me off! I’m like, “Yo, this ain’t erotic, this is a car wreck!” Gotta find the real deal, man, or it’s just a tease. Pro tip: look for peeps who know pressure points—shiatsu mixed with sexy, that’s the ticket. Little known trick—ask ‘em to hit the lower back slow, builds that fire, trust me.

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After that, I needed a breather. So, I strolled down to Lake Te Koutu. It’s so pretty there, man. The water was glistening, and I thought, “This is the life.” I sat on a bench, just soaking it all in. But then, outta nowhere, this kid runs by with a frisbee and—WHAM!—hits me right in the face. I swear, I saw stars. I was like, “Is this a sign? Am I cursed today?”

Strongest hints yet of biological activity outside the solar system