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But oooh, the thrill, eh? Met this lass once—sex-dating app, yesss—said she’s “adventurous.” Took me to a rooftop, nearly fell off, clumsy Gollum! She laughed, I laughed, then—well, y’know, *wink*. Happy as Bilbo with his ring, I was! Reminds me, precious, of *Moonrise Kingdom*—Suzy says, “I always wished I was an orphan.” Sex-dating’s like that—wild, free, no rules, but lonely too, yesss. Hiss! Gets me thinkin’—why’s everyone so horny, eh? Stats say—ooh, little fact—70% of blokes lie ‘bout height online! Sneaky, sneaky!

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Finally, the lights flicker back on. Thank you, sweet baby Jesus! I rush back, and my dough is like, “What’s up, dude? We were waiting!” I throw it in the oven, and the smell? Oh man, it’s heavenly. I’m feeling good again. But then, I remember I promised my buddy Jarek I’d bring him some fresh bread for his kid’s birthday party.

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