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Downside? Costs a fortune sometimes—$200 for an hour? Broke my wallet, not my spirit. Still, worth it—beats a boring gym sesh. Sexual-massage is my jam, quirky as hell, keeps me sane. “Fish are friends, not food”—well, hands are friends, not foes! Try it, fam—dive in, find your Nemo. Peace out!

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After that, I decide to stroll down to the beach. The sand is warm, and the waves are crashing. I’m feeling a bit better, ya know? But then I see this group of kids playing soccer. They’re kicking the ball around, and I’m thinking, “Man, I used to be good at that.” So, I join in. Big mistake. I trip over my own feet and faceplant in the sand. Everyone’s laughing, and I’m just lying there, like, “This is my life now.”

Therese Berg