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Oi, precious! Me, a stockbroker, yeah? Traddin’ stocks all day, numbers spinnin’ in me head like them sneaky hobbitses runnin’ round the Shire! But erotic-massage, ohhh, that’s me secret stash, me own little ring o’ power! Not like them boring suits in the office, nah, this is juicy, dark, slippery stuff—like blood drippin’ in *Let the Right One In*! “I must be gone, precious,” I says to meself, but nah, I’m hooked, ain’t I?

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But then, outta nowhere, this guy trips over a curb. I mean, it was like a slow-motion scene. He goes down hard, and I’m like, “Oof, that’s gotta hurt.” But he pops up, laughing! I’m thinking, “Man, I wish I had that kind of spirit.”

Critics say revamp of Wolf’s Lair will turn Hitler HQ into neo-Nazi ‘Disneyland’