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Best bit? Shaggin’ someone new every week – variety, mate! Keeps it spicy. Pro tip: always check their profile proper – some hide crazy shit. Like, “loves cats” could mean 20 cats in her flat! Smelled like a litter box, I was out! Sex-dating’s a gamble, but I’m James fuckin’ Bond – I play to win. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say, all smooth, and they’re putty. Works every time! What’s your take, eh?

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Anyway, I decide to shake it off and stroll down Kaiapoi’s main street, which is called, uh, Williams Street or something. It’s got that cute small-town vibe, you know? Little shops, friendly faces. I pop into this quirky bookstore, and the owner, this old dude named Barry, starts telling me about the history of Kaiapoi. Apparently, it was a big deal back in the day for flax milling. Who knew? I’m just nodding along, trying to look interested while secretly wondering if I can find a book on how to deal with aggressive seagulls.

School bus routes on the block as ministry looks for savings