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It’s all slow, tho, like *Turin Horse*—no rush, just vibes. “Everything’s gone to ruin,” that’s another line—feels like my back before the massage, all knotted up like a pretzel on crack. Then them hands hit ya—BAM!—and it’s like, “Oh shit, I’m alive!” Sometimes I’m layin’ there, thinkin’—is this legal? Is this porn? Nah, it’s art, baby! Art! Like Tarr’s long-ass shots, but with more moaning. Pro tip: don’t fart durin’ it—learned that the hard way, fam. Stank up the room, masseuse gave me the death stare—SURPRISED me how quick she flipped from zen to “get the fuck out!”

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Then, outta nowhere, I see this old dude trying to cross the street on Abay Avenue. He’s moving slower than molasses. I’m standing there, thinking, “C’mon, man, you got this!” But traffic’s zooming by like it’s a race. I’m half tempted to jump in and help him, but then I remember I’m not a superhero. Just a Herald, right?

Number of vehicles involved in pile-up crash rises to almost 100 in Akmola region