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What gets me goat, though? Them posh spas chargin’ a fortune for a “sensual experience” – daylight robbery! Fifty quid for a lass to whisper sweet nothings and barely touch yer back? Sod that, I’d rather wrestle a pig in mud and call it therapy. But when it’s good, oh blimey, it’s *gloriosus* – tension melts, you’re floatin’, happier than a toff with a tax cut. Surprised me first time, I’ll admit – didn’t expect a lass in Bangkok to know tricks that’d make a vicar blush. “Drainage!” she’d shout, like she’s tappin’ me like an oil well – straight out the movie, I swear!

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So, I’m finally heading home, and I decide to take a different route. I stroll down HaYarden, and it’s so peaceful. I’m feeling good again. But then, I see this guy trying to parallel park. He’s like three feet away from the curb. I’m just standing there, watching this train wreck. I mean, how hard can it be?

Ilay Nachman, 23: Off-duty Shin Bet agent defended friends at rave