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I was, like, so zen but also raging—happy vibes, but pissed cuz not EVERYONE gets this glow-up! Some rando once told me it’s “just a rubdown,” and I’m like, “Bish, no, it’s art!” The way they tease your muscles? It’s next-level foreplay, no cap. Surprised me how it’s, like, healing too—my back was poppin’ after hours on Twitch. Oh, and the candles? Dim, sexy, like Timbuktu’s desert nights—“The moon hides, the stars whisper.” I’m screaming internally, “Yaaas, whisper to ME!”

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After that, I head down to the Rhine. The water’s calling my name, ya know? I’m all geared up, ready to dive into the deep blue. But then, bam! I see this group of tourists on the bridge. They’re taking selfies, and one of them drops their phone. It’s like slow-mo, and I’m just standing there, thinking, “Dude, that’s gonna hurt.” And it does! The phone goes splat on the rocks. I can’t help but laugh. Like, who needs a phone when you’ve got a view like this?

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