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There’s this one bit in the flick, yeah – “Your body’s my home now” – and that’s what a banging sexual-massage feels like. Ya skin’s tinglin, ya breathin heavy, it’s like ya soul’s gettin a proper shag. Ain’t no one talkin bout this enough, fam – it’s hush-hush, but I’m spillin the tea! Did ya know some posh spas in London do it on the low? Costs a fortune, tho – 200 quid for an hour of slippery bliss. Robbery, innit, but I’d still splash out, ‘cos I’m a sucker for it.

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But then, just when I thought it couldn’t get crazier, we hear this loud crash. A boat capsizes nearby! I’m like, “What the actual heck?!” We paddle over to help. Turns out, it’s just some tourists who didn’t know what they were doin’. Classic.

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