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The cars tho? Obsessed! Ford Escort’s my bae—did you know it raced in rallies? Like, legit sped through mud, total badass! I’d die to drive one, but, like, me behind the wheel? Disaster! I’d crash, obvi, then cry, “Love’s an impossible word!”—Godard, duh—while my mascara runs. So extra, right? But srsly, escorts are EVERYWHERE—cars, peeps, even apps now! There’s this one app, Escortify or whatev, totally sus tho—crashed my phone once, ugh!

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I love gossiping with errybody—yeah, my staff loves my rants. Sometimes I get pissed off, too. Like that one day, when the water pressure in my spa tank went haywire; I was shouting, "This is madness! Pure, unadulterated madness!" Total chaos. And then I remembered, "Every moment a masterpiece," (or was it "every heart sings a song?") – you get the drift, right?

Time to clean up Kap