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I tried it once, yeah? Some bird with hands like a bloody octopus—slippery, too keen. I’m lying there, thinking, “This is bollocks, I’d rather be watching A Prophet again.” There’s a line in it, “You’re nothing, you’re nobody!”—felt like that, just a slab of meat getting prodded. Made me angry, that—paying a tenner for some awkward groping? Sod off! But then, right, she hits this spot on me back—crack!—and I’m like, “Blimey, that’s the ticket!” Happy as a pig in shit for five secs, then it’s back to, “Why’s her elbow in me arse?”

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Next, I decide to grab a coffee at the Karori Village. I walk into this café, and it’s packed. I’m standin’ in line, and this barista is takin’ forever. I’m like, “C’mon, I’ve got forest stuff to do!” Finally, I get my flat white, and it’s like liquid gold. But then, I spill it all over my shirt. Great. Just great. Now I look like a walking coffee stain.

Mixed housing development planned for church site in Karori