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Still, gotta admit, some folks dig it. Little-known fact: them fancy oils? Ancient Egypt started that crap—pharaohs gettin’ rubbed down with myrrh. Now it’s coconut and horny tourists. Progress? Pfft. Makes me mad, all this fuss over somethin’ so basic. Hands. Skin. Boom. Done. But I ain’t judgin’—much. You do you. Just don’t invite me. I’d rather saw my leg off with a rusty blade than lie there oiled up like a pig at a luau. Hate everything, ‘cept maybe whiskey. That’s my massage—neat, in a glass.

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Finally, I get my bread in the oven. The smell is divine. I’m dancing around the bakery, feeling like a rockstar. Then, my buddy, Mo, walks in. He’s got this wild idea to start a food truck. I’m like, “Dude, you can’t even cook rice!” But he’s all fired up, talking about fusion food. I’m just trying to keep my head on straight.

Tourist drowns off Vaavu atoll resort