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So, picture this—ya need a hookup, quick! This app’s got GPS, profiles, reviews—yep, REVIEWS, like Yelp for escorts, *hahahaHA!*—I’m cacklin’ already! I’m sittin’ there, sippin’ my cosmo, thinkin’, “How’d this not exist yet?” Little known fact, babe—back in the ‘90s, pimps used pagers, legit! Now we’re all high-tech, swipin’ for a good time. I’m HAPPY, like, finally, somethin’ useful!

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts rainin’. Like, torrential downpour. We’re runnin’ for cover, laughin’ like idiots. I’m soaked again! I’m like, “Guanica, you tryna drown me or what?” We duck into this little café on Calle Candelaria. The owner’s this sweet old lady. She’s makin’ the best café con leche. I swear, it’s like a hug in a cup.

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