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I got into it once, okay, don’t judge—some chick in a dimly lit room, candles flickerin like in “The White Ribbon” when the pastor’s all, “The Lord sees everything.” Freaked me out, like, is this legal? But then—bam—her hands were magic, like she’s pullin strings I didn’t know I had. Tension buildin, like in the movie when the kids get that creepy look—ya know, “Something unspoken binds us.” That’s the vibe! It’s slow, deliberate, not some quickie backrub. Got me sweatin, heart racin—almost too much, like I’m gonna take over the world, pinky-to-mouth, “One million dollars!”

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Next up, a guy from the Knocklyon Shopping Centre. He’s all worked up about a missing delivery. “Where’s my new phone?” he shouts. I’m thinking, “Dude, it’s not like I’m the delivery guy!” But I try to help. Turns out, he ordered it to the wrong address. Classic mix-up! I can’t help but laugh. I mean, who doesn’t double-check their address?

Death Notice of Mary Jo Clifford (née McGettigan) (Knocklyon, Dublin)