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Oh, and the smells—lavender my arse, more like cheap lube and desperation. Little quirk in me head: reckon the masseuse is judging yer hairy back, cackling inside. Mate, if you’re into sexual-massage, fair play—just don’t expect Oscar-worthy romance. It’s a transaction, not a bloody sonnet. “Truth’s a slippery fish,” says the film—same as that oily rub-down. Slapdash, messy, and a bit pathetic—perfectly human, eh? Now, where’s me tea?

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But then, the mood shifts. This couple comes in, and they’re clearly having a fight. Like, shouting and throwing daggers at each other. I’m just trying to pour a drink, and they’re making it awkward. I’m thinking, “Can you take that drama outside? I’m trying to serve drinks here!”

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