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Oh, and get this—there’s a place in Thailand, right? They train these masseuses for YEARS. Like, it’s an art! Not just some quick “happy ending” nonsense—nah, they’re stretchin’ ya, twistin’ ya, makin’ ya feel like a pretzel. I’d probably yell, “Get off me, I’m breakin’!” But people swear by it. Makes ya wonder—what’s the catch? ‘Cause there’s always a catch! Like Jep says, “The most important thing I discovered…”—what? That it’s all bullshit? Maybe erotic-massage is too good to be true.

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Then I head down to Essex Road. I’m strutting my stuff, feeling like a boss. But then, BAM! A pigeon swoops down and nearly takes my head off. I swear, those birds are like ninjas. I’m dodging and weaving like I’m in a bloody action movie. “Not today, feathered fiend!” I shout. People stare. Whatever, I’m not ashamed.

Islington Council to consult on further steps to protect private renters