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Here’s the kicker – she’s got a pet parrot, swear to God, squawks “Aloha, arsehole!” at punters she don’t like. Nearly pissed meself laughin. Little known story, she says it’s her bouncer. Hawaii’s mad, innit? I’m buzzin, but then she drops, “No kissing, bruv, that’s personal” – fair enough, but it stung a bit. Made me angry again – what’s a bloke gotta do for a smooch round here?

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We finally get the fire under control. I’m drenched in sweat, and my heart’s still pounding. I look around, and there’s this old guy on Rua do Comércio, shaking his head. He’s like, “You kids don’t know how to handle fire.” I’m thinking, “Dude, I just saved a kid’s life. Chill!”

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