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But ugh, the judgy pricks—hate ‘em. “Oh, how dare they!” they whine, clutchin’ pearls. Mate, shut it. Escorts are out here survivin’, same as us. “The bathhouse stinks,” sure, but it’s where the work’s at. Ever hear bout this Victorian escort, Cora Pearl? Wild bird—served herself naked on a platter at a dinner party. Absolute legend! Shocked me, that did—wish I’d seen it. Ballsy as hell.

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But wait, it gets better. I decide to grab lunch at that little spot on Rua da Liberdade. You know, the one with the amazing bifana? I’m all excited, but guess what? They’re out of bifanas too! What is this, a conspiracy? I settle for a sandwich that’s basically cardboard. I’m not even exaggerating. I’m starving and mad.

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