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Here’s a kicker—didja know in Japan, they got this thing, “nuru massage”? Slippery seaweed gel, bodies slidin’ everywhere—sounds like a freakin’ slip-n-slide porno! I’m imaginin’ it now, too much, too much, I’d fall off the table, break my neck, sue somebody! But people love it, swear it’s “transcendent.” Me? I’d be screamin’, “Where’s the towel, I’m done!”

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But then, I get a text from my sister. She’s like, “I need you to pick up my kid from school.” Ugh, fine! So I rush over to Elverum Skole. I’m sprinting down Storgata, dodging people like I’m in some kind of video game.

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