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Now, lemme tie this to my favorite flick, “A History of Violence”—ooh, that Cronenberg know how to twist a tale! Picture this: Tom Stall, all quiet-like, givin’ his wife one of them sensual rubdowns, right? Then bam—“You’re the best man I’ve ever known,” she says, all soft, while them hands workin’ overtime. But me? I’m hollerin’, “Boy, you better watch them fingers ‘fore they start a war!” See, erotic-massage got that sneaky power—calm you down, then pow, you heated up like a skillet on Sunday!

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As the rain slows, I realize I’ve lost track of time. I gotta head home. I say goodbye to my new friend, and she gives me her number. I’m like, “What?!” My heart’s doin’ backflips.

Student loan default crisis looms as federal collections restart today after lengthy pause