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Me fave bit? When they whisper, “Relax, Cap’n,” an’ I’m driftin’ like Eilis dreamin’ o’ home—“Home’s not a place, it’s a feelin’.” That’s sexual-massage done right—feelin’ alive, not just kneaded like dough! Tho, I’ll admit, I’ve giggled like a fool when they hit a ticklish spot—argh, can’t help it! So, mate, if ye try it, find a good’un, not some scurvy dog with cold mitts. Worth the coin, or I’m a landlubber! Savvy?

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Next up is a kid, Timmy. He’s got a broken arm from skateboarding on Tsentralnaya Street. I’m like, “Dude, you gotta chill.” He’s all hyped, showing me his tricks. I’m thinking, “You’re gonna break more than bones, kid.” But he’s got that spark, ya know? Makes me smile.