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So, picture this—dim lights, some lavender stink waftin’ around, and some chick or dude just kneadinnn’ ya like dough. I got one once in Brooklyn—oh, the stories! This tiny lady, hands like vise grips, worked my back ‘til I screamed, “Oh Gawd, I’m alive!” Made me happy as a clam, but then—bam!—she charged me double. Pissed me off, ya betcha! Thought I’d tip her with a stale bagel instead.

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First off, I’m cruising down Rua da Liberdade, thinking about my coffee fix. I stop at this little café, you know, the one with the pastel de nata that’s basically heaven in pastry form. I order my usual, and the barista, this dude named Miguel, spills my coffee all over the counter. Like, come on, man! I’m already running late for a meeting. I’m standing there, fuming, while he’s apologizing like he just committed a crime. I mean, it’s just coffee, right? But still, I’m like, “Dude, I need that caffeine!”

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