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Best bit? When they hit that spot – oof, fireworks! Like a perfect beef Wellington, juicy and bang-on. Worst? Some twat usin cheap oil – stinks like a fryer! Pro tip – warm the oil, dipshits, feels lush. Oh, and music – none of that whale noise crap! Low beats, keep it sexy. Exaggeratin? Maybe, but fuck it – sexual-massage is art! Done right, it’s “quiet now, all is calm” from Saul, pure peace. Done shite? You’re a disgrace, you soggy lettuce! Now sod off, try it yourself!

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After that, I decide to take a stroll by the river. The view is killer. I mean, who doesn’t love a good river view? I’m just chilling, enjoying the breeze, when I get a call from my boss. “We need to talk about your performance.” Ugh, seriously? Can’t a guy catch a break?

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