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Ya start with oil, slick moves, real slow—like the movie’s pace, ya dig? “The world’s gone mad,” they say in “Werckmeister”—nah, this calms the madness! Pro tip—dim lights, soft tunes, sets the vibe right! Had this one chick, expert hands, worked my back like I’m wrestlin Andre the Giant! Surprised me, brother, tension just melted—boom! Thought to myself, “Hogan, this is gold!” Even joked, “Sexual-massage world champ, right here!” She laughed, made it fun.

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Then, just when I think it can’t get worse, my buddy Ahmed shows up late. He’s supposed to help me, but he strolls in like he’s on a catwalk. I’m like, “Dude, we’re milking cows, not modeling!” He just laughs and says, “Fashionably late, my friend.” Ugh, I could’ve used a little less fashion and a lot more help.

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