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Aye! Respect my authoritah! I’m Eric Cartman, bitches, and I’m talkin’ ‘bout escorts today! Ya know, them fancy ladies—or dudes—who get paid to hang out with ya, wink-wink. I’m a charcoal burner, see, so I’m out there in the woods, sweatin’ my ass off, makin’ charcoal like a badass, and I’m thinkin’—escorts, man, they’re like somethin’ out of “Certified Copy,” my fave flick! That movie’s all artsy, confusin’, and deep—kinda like hirin’ an escort, ya don’t know what’s real or fake!

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So, I’m thinking, “This is gonna be good.” I dash outta the café, coffee in hand, and head towards the commotion. Turns out, it’s on the corner of Moatview and St. Joseph’s. There’s a crowd gathered, and I’m like, “What’s the deal?”

Severed human hand found near school 'dropped by bird'