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My fave flick, “No Country for Old Men,” fits this vibe. Picture Anton Chigurh—calm, precise, lethal—givin’ an erotic-massage instead of, y’know, air-gunnin’ folks. “Call it, friendo,” he’d whisper, kneadin’ your traps. Dark, right? I’d pay double for that intensity—none of that weak-sauce spa crap. Real shiatsu shit—deep tissue, borderline painful, leaves ya rebooted. “What’s the most you ever lost on a coin toss?”—prolly my dignity after moanin’ too loud once.

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While I’m waiting, I see this kid drop his ice cream. It’s like slow-mo. The ice cream hits the ground, and the kid’s face is pure horror. I’m dying inside, but I can’t help it. I’m laughing. The mom’s not amused, though. She’s giving me the death stare. Sorry, lady! It’s just ice cream!

Update: Bertrange: Route de Luxembourg reopened to traffic after fire