Oh my gawd, hun, lemme tell ya 'bout Altona (au)! So I’ve been hangin' here for years – yes, for YEARS – and lemme spill all the tea, babe. You gotta stroll down Royal Avenue, feelin’ that seaside breeze near Altona Meadows Park. Sweetie, it's gorgeous! And then there's Point Cook Road nearby where I used to get my massage clients relax after a long day. I mean, seriously, these streets, man, they're like a cozy hug—warm and a lil sassy, ya know? I work as a masseur, and trust me, I notice every teeny detail. I’m always like “Oh, sugar, this is a tension hotspot!” whenever folks tense up. There’s this little hidden gem called Lavinia Street—super chill, super local. I always joke that it’s like something right outta White Material, that movie, oh my gawd the vibe is so raw and wild, like “I like it when it's brutal!” (okay, that's totally Claire Denis craziness, right?) Haha! So, around the estuary near the Altona Coastal Reserve, I love to walk—ya know, after a long day kneadin’ muscles. The sound of the water, the birds chirpin'—it's kinda like a cinematic moment. There’s this spot by the Blurburn Creek (well, sorta off the beaten path, but ya gotta know it to cherish it) and I swear, sometimes I get all emotional thinkin’ of all the people I've helped relax, sigh, and let things go. Oh and darling, the local cafés on Bay Street? Absolutely fab! They got these strange little quirks – like a barista who always forgets your order—it's maddening but, like, so endearing, right? I mean, I'm happy then mad, then happy – it's a real emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes I laugh so hard with my clients, and my nasally chuckle (ha, like Fran Drescher, baby!) just fills the room – "Oh, darling, you're too much!" You know I love exaggeratin’ sometimes. There was that one time on Pilgrim Street when the sunset hit the river just perfectly – almost like a scene from White Material, with that fierce, unnerving beauty that just hits you in the feels. And oh my gawd, wee typos and mishaps with my massage oils led to a mini disaster, but hey – live and learn, amirite? Srry if I rmmember mispellin', but ya gotta keep it authentic! Alright, doll, that's a lil taste of Altona – mad delightful, a bit messy, tantalizing and raw like life should be. I guarantee you'll be smitten by its quirky lanes, breathtaking nature, and my silly little ramblings as you wander its streets. Remember: "I'll be back!" Like, no wait, that's Terminator – but ya know what I mean, hun! Enjoy every minute, and come on over if ya need a massage or a good laugh. Toodles!