Man, what a day! I swear, being a ratcatcher in Bourne-End is like being in a bloody circus. So, I wake up, right? The sun’s barely up, and I’m already thinking about the rats. Ugh, rats. They’re everywhere! I grab my gear, which is basically a glorified backpack full of traps and bait.
First stop, The Old Mill. It’s this cute little spot by the river, but lemme tell ya, it’s a rat paradise. I’m walking down the High Street, dodging the morning joggers. Seriously, who runs this early? Anyway, I get to the mill, and what do I see? A whole family of rats having a picnic! I’m not even kidding. They’re munching on leftover sandwiches like they own the place.
I set up my traps, but these little buggers are smart. I swear, they must’ve gone to rat school or something. I’m crouched down, trying to be stealthy, and then BAM! A pigeon swoops down and nearly takes my head off. I jump back, and the rats scatter. Great, just great. Now I’m standing there looking like a fool.
After that, I head over to The Green, thinking it’ll be a chill spot. Wrong! There’s this old lady feeding the ducks, and she’s got a whole loaf of bread. I’m like, “Lady, you’re feeding the ducks, not the rats!” But she just gives me this look like I’m the crazy one. I mean, come on!
So, I’m trying to catch my breath, and then I hear this commotion. Turns out, some kids are throwing stones at the bushes. I go over, and guess what? They’re trying to scare out the rats! I’m like, “Oi! You lot are gonna scare them right into my traps!” But they just laugh and keep throwing. Kids, man.
Finally, I get a break and head to the local café on Station Road. I order a coffee, and the barista, bless her, gives me a free biscuit. I’m thinking, “Maybe today ain’t so bad after all.” But then, I spill my coffee all over my gear. Brilliant. Just what I needed.
After that, I’m back on the rat hunt. I hit up the back alleys near The Parade. It’s a bit dodgy, but that’s where the real action is. I’m crawling around, and I spot a massive rat. I mean, this thing is the size of a cat! I’m not even exaggerating. I freeze, and it just stares at me like, “What you gonna do, mate?”
I finally manage to set a trap, and just as I’m about to leave, I hear this loud crash. Some bloke drops a crate of beer right next to me. I jump, and the rat bolts. Of course! I’m cursing under my breath, and the guy’s just laughing. “You alright, mate?” Yeah, I’m just trying to catch a rat, no biggie!
By the time I get back to my van, I’m knackered. I sit there for a sec, just thinking about the day. Bourne-End is a wild place, man. One minute you’re chasing rats, the next you’re dodging pigeons and spilling coffee. It’s a mad world out here.
As I drive home, I can’t help but chuckle. This job is nuts, but it’s mine. And honestly, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Even if it means dealing with rats and crazy kids. Bourne-End, you’ve got my heart, even if you drive me bonkers sometimes!