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Me, I’d rather be lost in the woods than payin’ for that. “War’s dirty little secret” – nah, mate, this is dirtier. She’s out there, freezin’ her arse off, and I’m thinkin’, “Get a proper job, love!” But then, who am I, eh? Choppin’ trees, cacklin’ at life – maybe we’re both mental. Exaggeratin’ a bit, but once saw one with a punter in a caravan – full on *Hurt Locker* tension, waitin’ for it to blow! Hilarious, yet sad – she’s the real bomb squad, defusin’ desperation daily. What a world, eh? Absolute nutters, the lot of us!

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But then, outta nowhere, the fire alarm goes off. Like, seriously? In a pub? Everyone’s freaking out, and I’m just standing there, half-eating a nacho, thinking, “This is how I die.” But it turns out it was just a false alarm. Phew! But the vibe is ruined.

National Portrait Gallery boosts female representation with five new self-portraits