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Precious, oh precious! Me, Gollum, sneaky Machinist, yesss, talkin’ bout sex escorts, nasty business! Stupid, fat hobbit! They don’t see it, do they? All shiny on outside, but dark, twisty inside – like me mind! Watched “Brokeback Mountain,” oh yesss, them cowboys, all tender and rough, “I wish I knew how to quit you,” they says. Makes me think – escorts, they got that too, huh? Sellin’ love, but not really, just bodies wrigglin’ in the dark!

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Then, outta nowhere, my mate Dave texts me. He’s like, “You up for lunch?” I’m thinking, “Why not?” So, we decide to hit up this little pub on the corner of Market Quay. It’s called The Jolly Sailor. Sounds cute, right? We get there, and it’s packed. I mean, it’s a Tuesday! What’s going on? Turns out, it’s quiz night. I’m like, “Oh great, just what I need – a bunch of brainiacs showing off.”

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