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I tried it once, alright? For research, ya nosy bastard. Profile said, “I like meat and silence.” Got 3 matches – all vegans. Made me wanna burn my phone. Sex-dating’s a circus – clowns everywhere, no depth. One gal sent me a nude with a steak. Thought, “Well, that’s somethin’.” Still deleted it – I ain’t desperate. “Ain’t no man can avoid bein’ born average,” but these folks try hard to prove it.

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But then, just as I’m getting all sentimental, a kid runs by and knocks over my bag. My bread goes flying! I’m like, “Nooooo!” It’s like a scene from a movie. I dive to save it, but it’s too late. The bread is toast. Literally.

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