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Oh, and the smells—lavender my arse, more like cheap lube and desperation. Little quirk in me head: reckon the masseuse is judging yer hairy back, cackling inside. Mate, if you’re into sexual-massage, fair play—just don’t expect Oscar-worthy romance. It’s a transaction, not a bloody sonnet. “Truth’s a slippery fish,” says the film—same as that oily rub-down. Slapdash, messy, and a bit pathetic—perfectly human, eh? Now, where’s me tea?

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Oh, and the annual street fair on Am Bahnhof is THE thing. Pathetic weather sometimes but, c'mon, it’s always a blast! Locals get all riled up, laughing and arguing, and it’s true family drama in real-time – a psychologist’s dream case study! I even got mad once when someone bumped me in the crowd! D’oh! So infuriating!

Lower Austria's museums start spring with a diverse program