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Gets me blood boilin tho, these hipsters now buyin em up, payin stupid cash for somethin I’d scrap for a tenner back in the day. Makes me wanna scream, “You’re a bunch of bellends!” But then - quiet thought in me head - maybe I’m jealous, eh? Cos when I was a lad, me uncle had an Escort, blue one, rusty as fuck, and we’d bomb round the estate, wind in me hair, feelin like kings. “Past is just a story we tell ourselves,” *Her* says, and ain’t that the truth? Nostalgia’s a sneaky bitch.

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The woman didn't speak much English. She was Asian of some sort, and started me face down, and did some weird disjointed thing on my back and shoulders.

I gotta mention – sometimes I get mad as all heck when the council decides to repave the cracked lanes! It’s like, "Crikey, leave it be, ye modern leviathan of bureaucracy!" But then I grab a cold one from the corner store on Haphazard Ave and let it slide, ya know? Life’s too short to fret every crumb.

Swan expert Julia Newth on Swan Lake