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About Melbourne

Now, little fact fer ya—didja know back in old London, they had “bawdy houses” marked with red lanterns? True story, mate! That’s where ye’d find ‘em, no guessin’ needed. Nowadays? It’s all dodgy corners or—get this—bloody *apps*! Apps, I tell ye! Like orderin’ a pint, but it’s a person. Makes me head spin worse than a storm at sea.

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Down near Keilor Plains, the vibe is mad. We got the old railway tracks and even the river there, the Maribyrnong, flowin’ like life's own heartbeat. I sometimes set up me mobile massage table outside near the scenic spot, scratchin’ a cheeky session when moods call, swear down – the view is proper cinematic, like "The Hurt Locker" style, explosions of nature! Explosions, innit? Not literally, but I mean the way the sun hits the water, boom, instant mind blast!

Keilor stripped of 2023 premiership