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I reckon it’s like Amélie’s “little pleasures” – y’know, “dipping her hand into sacks of grain”? Except it’s some geezer’s mitts slidin’ over yer back, easin’ the stress from all them KPIs and team-buildin’ bollocks. Had me first go last week – bloody hell, I was gobsmacked! Thought it’d be all awkward, like a bad appraisal meetin’, but nah – pure bliss, mate. Got me thinkin’, “This is what peak performance feels like!” Nearly cried, I did – not cos I’m soft, but cos it was that good. Then I got raging – why ain’t this on the company wellness plan? Stingy gits upstairs, sittin’ on their arses, missin’ out!

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Oh, and let me not forget – my fave movie, There Will Be Blood, taught me that passion ain’t polite. Life’s raw, and Keysborough’s a battleground of dreams! It’s gritty, it’s vibrant, and like that line, “I drink your milkshake!”, it consumes everything in its path. But dang, I wouldn’t trade a minute of it.

The Keys Estate in Keysborough is selling fast after 550 registrations for its 24 homes