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I tried askin’ Stan—dumbass didn’t know shit. Kyle? That Jew’s too busy countin’ pennies! So I’m out here, sweatin’, thinkin’, “This is bullshit!” Then—BOOM—found this shady spot downtown. Some chick’s leanin’ on a wall, smokin’. I’m like, “Hell yeah, jackpot!” She’s givin’ me the eye, and I’m all, “Respect my authoritah, lady!” She laughs—pisses me off—but I’m happy too, ‘cause she’s hot! Like, hotter than WALL-E’s trash piles, y’know?

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There’s a lovely little river near the center – Crystal Creek. I often wander along its banks after a busy spa day. There’s a story there – that old bridge on Riverside Road hides secrets. I once heard a tale from an old timer about how the water sparkles like diamonds during the golden hour. Crazy, right? Makes you feel like you're in a movie scene, hilarious and deep at once.

Dan Hong shares his go-tos from airport Macca’s to Michelin-starred sushi