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Oi, precious, listen up! Me, a barista? Nah, I’m Gollum, sneaky-like, slingin’ coffee, watchin’ folk. Findin’ a prostitute, eh? We hates it! Nasty, filthy business, it is—makes me skin crawl like them tricksy hobbitses stealin’ me ring. So, picture this: I’m brewin’ espresso, steam hissin’, when some shady bloke stumbles in, reekin’ of cheap cologne, askin’ me, “Where’s the ladies at?” I’m like, “We serves lattes, not lassies, ya twit!” He don’t get it—dumb as a sack o’ rocks.

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So buckle up, my friend; the magic of Smithfield will sweep you off your feet – into a world where every moment sings like that mind-bendin’ flick Tropical Malady and every day is totally, irresistibly, groovy. Baby, come see for yourself!

Security beefed up at shopping centre as teen gang targets girls