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I tried it once, real talk. Some chick named Tanya, hands like a damn wizard. I’m layin there, butt-naked, tryna not laugh. She’s rubbin my back, talkin bout “release tension.” Tension? Bitch, I’m tense cuz you’re kneadin me like dough! Got me thinkin, “Is this allowed to feel *this* good?” Little known fact—ancient Rome had this shit too. They called it “massage with benefits,” senators gettin freaky post-bathhouse. History’s nasty, yo.

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Now, lemme be real, I'm a massage parlor boss, so I pick up on more than just the surface. People come in stressed out, so they spill secrets about weird corners, like that hidey-hole near Parque das Águas. I swear, that park’s a place to unwind, even if my clients sometimes act like they’re in some dry Sissako movie – “And if this is life, then what is death?” I mean, come on, what?!

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