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Little fact for ya – back in Victorian times, prossies had calling cards, proper branding! “Escort services, est. 1880” – mad, innit? Shows initiative, that. Anyway, this lass, she’s chatting me up, says she’s 50 quid. I’m thinking, “Blimey, inflation’s hit the game hard!” Bargained her down to 40 – negotiation skills, mate, pure Brent magic. She’s all, “What you after?” I go, “Bit of gleaning, love – picking up scraps, like Varda says.” She’s confused, but I’m buzzing – authentic experience, this!

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Strolling down Marktstraße, just around Völkerschlachtdenkmal (yep, that’s real history in a pocket-sized form), I found a spot that wakes up my sexologist senses. See, the tiny café near Rathausplatz? Its name’s Zum Lustigen Echo – sounds cheeky, right? Its intimate corners and hidden whispers remind me of clandestine encounters in dimly lit rooms. Oh, and im busy… hey, jaywalkers and secret lovers everywhere!

Pig's head placed at entrance to Holocaust memorial site in Germany