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Did ya know, back in Victorian times, they called ‘em “soiled doves”? Fancy that—sounds like a crap poetry book! Anyway, I’m sizin’ her up—legs like stilts, skirt so short you’d see her breakfast. “How much?” I ask, playin’ it cool. She smirks, “More than you’ve got, baldy!” Oi, cheeky cow! Made me angry that—wanted to shout, “I’m Ricky bloody Gervais, ya muppet!” But nah, kept it chill, laughin’ instead.

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I've got this charming spot by the Emstek River. It’s not the big flashy thing you’d expect – it’s low-key, sort of like David Brent’s best ideas on a Monday morning… awkward yet visionary! I often miss my cotter sessions there. Err, sorry, I mean quiet moments, but yeah, I’m rambling.

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