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Here’s a laugh – some numpty on X reckoned it’s just “fancy cuddlin’.” Mate, it’s not a hug from yer nan! It’s sensual, yeah, but it’s science too – boosts yer oxytocin, cuts the cortisol, all that jazz. Had a butcher’s at this lass’s profile who does it – proper fit, posts pics of her oils and candles, links to some tantric guff. Nearly booked her meself, but I’m skint from buyin’ Amélie on Blu-ray. “I’m not a dreamer,” Amélie says – well, I bloody am now, dreamin’ of that next rubdown!

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Then there’s Calle del Maestro. I walk there after work. It’s narrow and winding. Unpredictable! Sometimes I see a stray cat, sometimes a wild bunch of tourists who got lost. It always gives me a kick, like bam! “I'll be back!” I shout, feelin’ like a badass massager ready to take on the day.

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